情人节 - Feynman 给 Arline 的一封信

Arline 是 Feynman 的第一任妻子, 是他高中时的 sweetheart. 这是他给她的一封信, 写于1946年, 10月17号, 后来由他的女儿公之于众.
Arline 因为肺结核病, 在1945年6月16号去了另一个世界. 身边坐着 Feynman, 还有七年前他送给她的一台数字钟.

那台数字钟很精巧, 但是质量不怎么样, 毕竟那是上个世纪三四十年代. 每隔一段时间, 准确的说是每个周末, Feynman 都会偷偷从曼哈顿工程的研究基地溜出来, 驾驶一辆他的室友(后来被发现是名间谍)的汽车前往 Arline 所在的医院探望她, 顺便修理一下那台数字钟.

D'Arline,

I adore you, sweetheart ... It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and what I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you.

I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector.

Can't I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the "idea-woman" and general instigator of all our wild adventures. When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn't have worried.

Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want to stand there.

I'll bet that you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend after two years. But you can't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many girls ... and I don't want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.

My darling wife, I do adore you. I love my wife. My wife is dead,

Rich.

PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don't know your new address.

不知道这张照片中, 他们俩是否已经结婚.


这张照片应该是他们结婚当日所拍摄. 那时候, Arline 已经病得较重, Feynman 正要参与曼哈顿计划. Feynman 的母亲因为 Arline 患有肺结核病, 坚决的反对他们的婚礼. 而他, 因为母亲的冷酷, 一生对此都耿耿于怀.

他们立刻明白, 我不想整日沉埋在哀伤里. 很明显, 我对自己做了心理建设: 正视现实是那么重要 --- 我必须慢慢理清发生在阿琳身上的是怎么一回事 --- 以至于在好几个月之后才哭出来. 那时我在橡树林, 刚巧路过一家百货公司, 看到橱窗内的洋装, 我想阿琳一定会喜欢其中一件, 就怎么也按耐不住了. --- 摘自<别闹了, 费曼先生>

Feynman 先生不知道 Arline 的「新地址」, 想必现在肯定已经找到了吧. Happy Valentine's Day.